Lustful Disgust

I come out of the water, see you, and dive back in
Something makes me unsettled
Something makes me upset
Something about you makes me suffocate.
I can't swim
I can't find the surface 
I can't find my breath.
A knot forms in my stomach
and lands in my throat.
When I try to scream it out
I realize I'm deaf.
No matter how many times I hear it
No matter how many times I'm told
I'll always come swimming after you
Even if the water is fucking cold.
I don't want to, I don't want to see you smile.
I don't want to see you happy.
I want to see you suffer, like I have for so many long nights
In nothing but my underwear and my arms grasping my bones.
Yet I see nothing but a smile and begin to wonder
Am I happy?
Do I want more?
Do I want forgiveness or just-ness for my wretched soul?
Only 2 decades and I'm as bitter as a bitch.
But I hope your smile will warm me
When I'm willing to look at it without a lustful disgust.
I hope one day I can be happy like you.
And unreasonably hard not to adore.