Never Seek

Like many people in this acutely self aware society we live in my entire life I have struggled with self confidence. I remember when I was around 10 years old and pinning my brother to the ground forcing him to tell me if I was pretty, ugly or average (he finally admitted I was average, whatever that means). After modeling for 5 years I laugh at myself for caring about such superficial and shallow things as I now don't take anyone seriously that judges me off my appearances but I can't help but notice that I have not overcome this self-confidence issue. Instead I have transferred it into other areas of my life such as my art. I took school and my professors opinions so seriously and personally because I needed that reassurance that I was more than just a pretty model girl. I needed to know that other people knew I had more to offer the world. 

I apologize now if this is coming off as a self-indulgent diatribe. My point in this rambling is how silly and foolish I have been seeking approval of myself through other people's approval of myself.   

"The audience destroys the artist until the artist destroys the audience."

It is not the audience that matters but the artist and how they feel; it is simply the audiences reaction to the artist that will determine the artists relevance in our society but not in the artists own life. We can so easily get wrapped up in sensational reactions, allowing that to determine our own feelings towards our work. The true challenge lies in the ability to ignore that sensational instant gratification when we are living in such an inner-connected society.

All of this is leading to a point, I promise. 

After many years of consideration and heavy thought I have finally gotten my first tattoo. 'Never Seek' reminds me to never seek for approval of myself in other people. For far too long that is exactly what I have been doing and it is mentally, emotionally and spiritually torturing and it's time I put an end to it. This is not something that will happen over night, I know,  and this is not something I take lightly either. It will take years of reminding myself day in and day out and thus why I have gotten it in a location that I will see regularly. 

So now you know, I have my first tattoo and I am not as confident as you may have thought. I am vulnerable and impressionable and thats ok. We are not weak creatures because we are affected by others. It can be such a beautiful thing to be affected by another human so powerfully but not when it is detrimental to your own well being. So I have chosen to never seek but I remain vulnerable, impressionable and open to the worlds influences, just with more conviction in how I will allow those things to affect me. May you never seek, constantly conquer and most importantly take no prisoners.