As I spend my days researching artists and icons and up-comer's I realize more and more that I don't want money; I mean I do, but not the way that other people want it. I really just want to be wonderful. I want to look at my work and feel all the things that I feel when I look at other people's work that I think are fantastically wonderful. I want to be them almost; talk about the things they're talking about, work the way they do, act as captivatingly as I believe they do. Perhaps these are the things we're never actually supposed to say: discuss how we want to be other people sometimes but it's what happens within this world wide web. So many new worlds have become introduced to us, how could we not slightly feel the desire to want to become apart of them?
I think about myself in relation to all these things and places and people and wonder if I'll ever get to a point in my life where I feel like I actually have become those people and places and things, and I wonder if when I do have them if I'll finally feel content. Not craving or dreaming or feeling dissatisfied with my work; where its going and what it is. I wonder if that is a feeling that is possible; more importantly I wonder at this time in my life, at 21 years old, when I dream of all these things if once I have them will I finally find an inner peace? A thing my mother asked me to find years ago and I rebelliously told her that's not something we're supposed to have until we're dead. But I now wonder if inner peace is something that could allow me to feel content with who I am, where I am, and what I'm doing but still constantly striving to push that further.
Is it the artist within me that never feels satisfied with their work or is it the vain narcissist? Working within the blogosphere and really any social media outlet in this generation of "I" narcissism has become the illusionistic key to success. Sad but true. I take pictures of myself, promote myself, obsess about myself and where everything I'm doing about myself is going, and sometimes at the end of the day I just want to throw myself into the trash. I want to spit on it, scratch a myriad of dark and harsh lines, burn it and start all over again. Reluctantly I try to take a step back and recognize that it's not all about me. That I'm trying to reach out to other people and teach them about something ideally. Ever since high school I've always said the best thing I could ever do in my life was to inspire 1 person to change theirs. I lead my life with that in mind and I end this post with it. May we never be satisfied because " in order to create beauty we must undergo this internal trauma, because to create is what makes us stronger, and what makes us truly see what we are made of, beyond flesh, blood and tears. Creating beautiful things becomes an innate, intrinsic component of survival." -Kaytee Papusza