Everything's going up in smoke and there's nothing you can do but sit by and watch. That's the summary of my feelings for the past 24 hours more or less. Yesterday was Fall Review, the dreadful decider of either moving forward in school with my photography work or being held back. Yes, I was terribly nervous and found myself pacing back and forth time to time but I was ready. This work had my heart and soul, it had more me than any work I've ever made before. So I went up and introduced myself and the photos without a single "um". Any question that were asked I had an answer. And 15 minutes later I was pulled out to be told that I was not accepted into Thesis 2 and must wait another semester to even be able to apply again for the following fall semester. Yes, I was devastated and still am slightly in shock. I got an email this morning from my professor telling me she was proud of me for standing my ground, even against no response, and that has almost made me felt worse. Was there really that little response or that much confusion towards my work? I don't really recall anymore, those 15 minutes you stand in front of the whole faculty tend to become a bit of a blur. When I got home I spent the whole day trying to make a collage to express my sorrow and I think these two best represent that (the rest got a bit to fantastical and off topic).
I know that everything will be ok and no I don't actually feel like demons are taking me over, it's a metaphor. But I do feel an overwhelming sense of confusion mixed with anger mixed with je ne sais quoi. Life will move on and I'll only be better for it, but it doesn't change the fact that it hurts. It hurts not only because they didn't accept me but because I don't feel like they even understood. That's probably the worst part. Not being understood is something many fashion lovers go through at a young age when they find themselves experimenting at vintage stores and their mothers/grandmothers closets. Its a feeling we all know very well and it's something we spend our lives trying to overcome and not give a shit about, but on some level we all do care. We all want to be understood but we can't stop living our lives just because there are people who aren't going to. I don't know what I'm going to do now with my art but I know that I'm on to something, I can feel it.