All my life I've always wanted to be older. To be taken seriously, not looked down on, not have my thoughts and decisions undermined because of a number. When I finally turned 20 I was shocked when I realized I was actually scared of getting older. I remember my dad once telling my brother, who is a fantastic musician, that as long as he's young people will be bewildered and fascinated by his talent. However, as he get's older people will expect him to live up to a certain standard, to be able to play certain songs without difficulty, and to have made certain accomplishments in their eyes.
All I've ever wanted was to be taken seriously and now that I'm officially an adult in the eyes of the United States government I sometimes find myself being scared shitless. Scared that I don't know what I should know. Scared that the work I'm doing isn't good enough compared to others around my age. Scared that I haven't accomplished enough, met the right people, am falling behind and won't be able to catch up. I know that all of these are just fleeting fears that with only a moment of reassurance will banish them all in an instant but still.....
These are real fears that haunt me everyday. Everyday I flip through the zillions of pages of the internet and everyday it inspires me and enrages me. My dreams are in the pages of Dazed and Confused, the posts on Style Bubble, the photos of Tim Walker and Solve Sundsbo. When I look at where I am and where I want to be there is a very long road in-between and at times that can be infuriating.
I am not writing this here as a way to look for sympathy or sweet nothings but to show that I feel doubt to. I am constantly questioning the purpose of this blog. What is appropriate to post on here, what isn't; what will my readers enjoy or not enjoy. But at the end of the day I know what I want this blog to really be. I am not a website that is trying to sell you Polyvore looks or convince you that you MUST buy oxblood something; I am a website that is simply sharing me. Nothing more, nothing less. Me has doubts. All. the. time. Everyday I am beyond flattered that I have readers that take the time to look at my silly ramblings and photos, and yet everyday I want to push myself to reach out to more, create more conceptually, be better all together. I do the same thing with my personal style. I can't define myself as one thing because everyday is something new. A new aesthetic, a new interest, a new challenge, a new vision. As a result this blog has become that too and it is the life and death of me.
Constantly I'm trying to find a vision to stick to, a path to follow to become something more substantial, but I am living life in the gray area and that is a dangerous place to be. As a result of being so influenced by fashion and also have a strong desire to make that into a fine art I have made myself an outcast in both worlds. It is the post-post modern. I want both. I am like a themed magazine for everyday. I have my core inspirations but am always looking for more. This blog may not be like Style Bubble or Fashion Toast or The Man Repeller but it has it's own unique formula that evolves everyday, much like ourselves. Perhaps getting older isn't so bad or so scary because with age comes insight and with that comes inner peace and understanding.