The Model Me

Everyone wants to be a model- I'm trying to learn how now not to be one. 
Constant self-awareness. Constant self-consciousness.
Self-loathing, self-proclamation.
Love and hate. Back and forth. Up and down. 
How do I stop this? 
Even after I stop it's still not over. It's en-grained. 
How do I un-soil the seed? Rip out the roots and remain a growing thing?
No matter what I do, it's changed me. 
For better or worse, I will never be the same.
The camera will always mean "Action!"
The flash will always mean the spot light, not just extra light.
Will I ever know the difference between me and the model me?
Is there a difference anymore?
Can I ever go back to before?
Before the hair and the makeup; the fittings and the "walk".
I didn't even know myself then; I don't even know myself now.
Can I ever just be me and not always acting?
Putting on a show for just the right pose. 
I can't deny the attention, the short lived fame are all wonderful and great.
They drive you, and then they don't because your at the bottom of the chain, again.
Up and down. Back and forth. It's more then I want to take.
So I quit, but it's still not over. 
I'm not sure if it ever will be, but I sure as hell am gonna try.
I want to find me, not the model me. 
Not the Ashley that everyone see's, 
but the one that sit's alone with me on Saturday nights and sings badly to Alicia Keys.
The one that spends hours writing for no one other than she.
That drinks coffee black and makes Ramen as lunch, dinner, and late night snacks.
She is the one that interests me, not the model me.